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Translator
July 2nd, 2009
10 Principles that work in Bad Times and in Good Times too
Adapt
You need to change. You need to fix any lingering obstacles, redesign yourself and adapt your thinking to current thinking – with an eye to the future. What does this mean? W2 isn’t really sure and doesn’t know until the need is upon him.
Motivate
Insincere cheerleaders get loogies flung at the backsides of their heads. Real cheerleaders – lead. These economic times are crazy and days or weeks of optimism will be replaced quickly by pessimism, and on and on. The workforce is tired and beaten and just needs clarity, truth and solutions.
Focus
Get to your basics, focus on your core duties and responsibilities and deliver.
Have a vision
We don’t mean a hallucination. We mean a point of view. Where do you want to go, what do you want to be.
Communicate
Make sure you can actually form complete sentences when speaking with people; make sure the verbs are in the right places and the propositions aren’t preposterous. Be in the “now” and ready to share the vision.
Innovate
To get out of this recession we all need to think in progression – what advances us to the next dozens of steps (one step at a time doesn’t work anymore)
Seize the Moment
Success = Preparedness + Opportunity. If the opportunity smacks you in the face tomorrow, are you prepared to take advantage of it – hell, are you even capable of recognizing the true opportunities in front of you right now?
Network
If you’re not selling yourself, you must be buying something else.
Protect your Credibility
The number of things you deliver minus the quality of them equals your credibility. Do your own math.
Inspire others
At some point, everyone finds old money in a dry-cleaning garment, or at the back of a drawer; under a car seat. It doesn’t matter what the denomination is, a penny or a dollar, or more – it’s the “find.”
Have that energy in everything you do – every day.
July 1st, 2009
Ever Changing Directions without Diapers
As I understand it, diapers are for babies and seniors who don’t necessarily control their bowel movements, or releases. May not be a fun subject, but it’s the best I could come up with lately when my bosses change my calendar so often in a day that all I can utter is, “…shit!…” which leaves me with very little time to pee.
I work in a tough intellectual place where I’m continually reminded that I can’t spell “intellectual.” It’s true that the people I work for are highly accomplished and they’re rich, but they are clueless about the rest of the workers when they constantly change their schedules, deadlines, and needs.
I get hit daily with “where are we on…..” and can’t answer because hours before, they changed my direction by saying, “we really need to work on….”which followed and earlier version of “why is this taking so long to….”which came on the heels of “we didn’t do a good job on….”
So, what can I do? Well, I’ve tried wicking underwear, but they’re bulky and give me industrial panty-lines. I’ve tried every electronic PDA and other device available, but their assistants update times so often that I can’t keep any of them straight and show up to the wrong meetings at the wrong times at the wrong places and get the predictable “…where are we on….?”
So, like children in third world countries that aren’t issued pants until they can hold their bowels, I’ve decided to walk around the building in my business suit shirt, top and jacket, but no skirt or pants. I’m pretty proud of my legs and everything else down there but wasn’t ready for the first response. “Geezuz, Madison, I didn’t realize you were so tall.”
I said, “What!?”
And, the answer?
“By the way, where are we on…..”
June 26th, 2009
Feeling at odds with the world?
If you’ve hit a snag and feel as if it’s you vs. the world, ask yourself one simple question: “Am I struggling against something that is unchangeable?”
Ok, after you ask that one, ask this one: “Do I have any control over this thing?”
Ask these questions about each of your “battles”:
- your desire for more feedback from your boss
- your irritation with the consistently bad produce at your nearby grocery store
- your annoyance with impolite people
Will your boss change because you want her to? Probably not.
Is the grocery store going to start selling better produce? Unlikely.
Will those impolite people start practicing good manners? Maybe, maybe not.
In each of these cases, though, you have the power to control how you feel. So, don’t give up your power.
You may not be able to change the situations, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept them either. Make it easier for your boss to give you feedback by asking her specific questions about your work performance. Go to a different grocery store. Ignore slights from strangers.
The key is to adjust your expectations of others and determine how critical it is to win each of your battles. If something isn’t going to change, then why keep railing against it? Move on. Feel better.
And remember: Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
June 25th, 2009
Con Job for a Blow Job!
It’s hard (excuse the pun) to write about this and not use words that rhyme with “chuck.” So, the Worried Worker won’t stress it if it happens in this commentary. Governor, what the fuck are you thinking!
It used to be that all Democratic scandals were about sex and Republican scandals were about money. Things have certainly changed and the only guy out there happy about this change right now is probably John Edwards! I guess it’s nice to know that republicans actually have sex for fun and not just money.
What other job can you have in this country where you don’t have to show up for work, or call in sick, or tell your family or colleagues what you’re doing or where you’re going - for FIVE days and not get fired? That’s it! Governor of a southern state! Now, that’s a great job!
And, will this gover-fucker’s pay be docked? His health care and other benefits be rescinded? Will he lose his employee of the month parking spot? How will he enter this information on time card?
Worse? Then, he flies to Argentina to get laid, tells people he’s climbing the Appalachians (I gotta see a picture of this girl’s chest) and then shows up on TV saying that his apologies will take days, weeks, months, even years. Not really. It takes just a minute. That’s all it takes to kill decades of career-building.
Do what you have to do. Deal with it. Make your wiener happy. But, ripping off your job, your employees and the people that voted for you is just plain shit.
Dude? You’re fired! You are a low life, miserable and lousy employee of the state. If your employees disappeared for three days, you’d want a doctor’s note. Five days, and you’d have HR looking for a replacement. You are a disgusting idiot and should be feathered and tarred – in that order.
Republicans? You are so screwed up with your “potential presidents” one can only wonder what’s next?
Ugh!
June 24th, 2009
Honk If You Love Commuting
Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is wish it was Saturday and I force myself to forget exactly what day of the week it actually is. After reality wins and sets in, my second thought is wishing for no traffic.
The anticipation of a clear freeway keeps me excited while getting ready every morning and I’m terribly disappointed as soon as the on ramp turns into brake lights.
Unlike Space Mountain at Disneyland, the wait is not worth it. Here we are, sitting in traffic and for what; to get to work and sit at our desks for the next eight hours?
Road rage is not the right term for gridlock, but it adds to people’s rage – not letting others change lanes, speeding up when someone tries to get to an off ramp, etc.
I have tried alternate routes, like various highways, side streets, alleys. But I have found I am even more pissed off when I see people running and jogging with friends and dogs…I am convinced they are pointing and laughing at me because they know I am on my way to work. So, back to the freeway I go.
So the next time you see a Moped weaving in and out of cars at 40 mph on a crowded freeway, honk and wave at a fellow Biz Pain member. It’s probably me.
June 23rd, 2009
Neda - killed for believing!
Everyone’s job is to topple the lousy bosses! The lousy bosses have held us all back and it’s time to go! W2 hopes the people have the strength to make the right thing happen, even if it means that the current power mongers are still in - vote it, and keep it.
But, don’t kill the people!
So much news from the middle east, so much turmoil. I heard an employee say they’re job was like “Tehran.” I know they were kidding and trying to suggest that their situation was turmoil, etc., but come on. Many workers complain no matter what is going on and in today’s economy, it’s hard to believe that anyone employed is even complaining.
But, to suggest that one’s job is so difficult that it’s like what the people of Iran are going through shows just how little character many people have.
I heard the employee’s comments. I ignored them and moved on. But, there is a huge difference between complaining, and believing and complaining. In Iran, people are dying right now because of their beliefs and their courage to complain to those in power.
They’re not hiding behind humour, or behind their HR people, etc. They’re out there right now. And, many will die.
June 22nd, 2009
Does your name predict where you will work?
If your name is Ann, are you more likely to end up working for Apple or Dell? A study by Belgian researchers indicates Apple as the more likely choice.
If your name is Frank, does it mean you’ll work for a fucker?
Betsy, will have a job at a Bakery?
Tim Geithner, for the Treasury or the Government?
Barack Obama, for……?
There are a number of critical factors assessed by job-seekers before choosing companies they prefer to work for—including location, salary, benefits and perks, career opportunities. But one other factor also comes into play. The “name-letter effect”: a phenomenon that shows we have a preference for things that begin with the same letter as our first name.
Researchers at Ghent University in Belgium studied a list of Belgian workers and analyzed data from it. Significantly, there were 12 percent more employee name–company matches than probability predicted—meaning that the choices of about one in nine people whose first initial matched that of the company’s had been influenced by the name-letter effect.
June 21st, 2009
Eat Cherries and Avoid Pain
It is believed that cherries contain anti-inflammatory properties, and a new study of exercise-induced muscle pain may add credence to that. Now, when W2 eats cherries, he senses an increase in gas which inflames those around him.
Participants in the study were asked to drink a bottle of a cherry juice blend twice a day for three days before exercise and for four days after exercise—or to drink a placebo juice containing no cherries. The 12-ounce cherry drink contained the liquid equivalent of 50 to 60 tart cherries. The participants then performed a type of muscle-damaging exercise—flexing and tensing one arm 20 times.
Those drinking the placebo juice reported their muscle strength fell by 22 percent, while those drinking the cherry juice blend reported only a 4 percent loss. The average pain score for the placebo group was 3.2 and the pain continued through the next 48 hours; for those drinking cherry juice the score was 2.4 and their pain peaked within 24 hours. Researchers say this difference is significant.
Researchers from the University of Vermont, New York’s Nicholas Institute of Sports Medicine and Athletic Trauma, and Cornell University undertook the study. The findings were originally published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine.
Previous studies have found that cherries have the potential to ease the pain of arthritis and gout, and reduce risk factors for heart disease, diabetes, and certain cancers. Cherries also have been found to help regulate the body’s natural sleep patterns, aid with jet lag, prevent memory loss, and delay the aging process, according to the Cherry Marketing Institute.
June 19th, 2009
10 tips to interview successfully!
· Be on time and look good. Don’t accept the coffee, you can’t afford a spill.
· Dress for success not for a vacation. Make sure you wear your best.
· Speak directly, pleasantly and don’t think aloud. Do not mumble.
· Do not say anything negative about a boss, a coworker, or a company!
· Do not put yourself on a pedestal. You’re not interviewing to be your mother’s son.
· Do not talk about money or benefits. Remove loose change from your pockets or purse.
· Don’t take credit for inventing the wheel. Al Gore already did.
· Don’t sound like this is your last career move. Employers want people who are going places, not going to resting places.
· Do not lie on your resume or in your interview.
· Do not forget to ask for the job. Just ask for it, right there.
Think it through.
Practice before you get there – you need to make sure you’re smooth, not stuttering (no offense if you’re a stutterer, but if you are, say so up front – don’t wait for the interviewer to lean forward and stare at you like someone just farted.)
Look in the mirror under good light and make sure you don’t have any weird hairs anywhere.
Don’t use a big tablet and write endless notes – look up at the interviewer and see if they have any weird hairs.
Type up your questions in advance and check them off in the discussion as if you’re in charge of the meeting.
You should; it’s your responsibility to make the meeting successful.
