March 11, 2010

 

March 11th, 2010

Jews, Justices and Joe

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The Worried Worker (W2)

While Vice President Joe Biden is in Israel condemning the state for expanding housing in disputed areas, President Obama is getting hit by Chief Justice Roberts for comments made in full session.  It’s odd, but it’s likely that we’re going to look back at this administration as one of “soggy diapers.”

 

Two things.  First, when someone takes an oath or gets a public office, the minute they get their first paycheck, they’re owned by the devil.  Second, people in public office need to accept the fact that they’re going to get slammed regularly – it’s part of the job, it’s part of the paycheck, and it’s part of dancing with the devil.

 

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AN “ENCRYPTED” PHONE IN ISRAEL CALLING PRESIDENT OBAMA ON HIS “ENCRYPTED” PHONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

 

BIDEN:

Shalom, Mr. President.  Do you hear a clicking sound on the phone?

 

OBAMA:          

(shaking his head)

Good morning, Joe.  No, I don’t, it might be your dentures.  How are things in Israel?  What I’m reading isn’t very promising.

 

BIDEN:                                    

Well, I visited a number of great tourist sites and had a fantastic lunch near the whaling wall, which incidentally, Bo, has nothing to do with Saving the Whales.  In fact, the wall is so far inland, there’d be no way for a whale to get to it.

 

OBAMA:          

(pauses – rubs his eyes and temples with his index finger and thumb)

I was talking about the housing increases in disputed areas, Joe, the ones that have the Palestinians in an uproar.

 

BIDEN:

Got it.  Yeah, that sort of torpedo’d our discussions before they even started.  I was looking forward to a nice breakfast with real bagels and cream cheese, but had to settle for toast.  These jewish guys sure know how to mess this stuff up, don’t they?

 

OBAMA:

Joe, I just need you to get in there and keep working with them.  It’s really all we can do.  I don’t think we’re ever going to get this to work on my shift anyway, but we need to make it look good for us, understood?

 

BIDEN:

Yesseree, Bob, Bo.  Hey, what’s going on with that Chief Justice out there, I saw him on Fox News and he’s saying that he and the other guys aren’t going to come to the addresses anymore?  That’s not going to look good, they’ve got some of the best seats in the room.

 

OBAMA:

It’s all posturing.  They’ll be there.

 

BIDEN:

I hope so, but if they decide not to, can I get my hands on some of their seats for my family?

 

March 10th, 2010

Email Scam

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Ed

THIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL MAIL TO YOU!!

 

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr.Jochen Krьger. I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter were returned undelivered. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Jochen Krьger made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$30, 100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last testament to his WILL. This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Engr. Jochen Krьger until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. Please if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job. You are advice to contact me with my personal email:- xxxxxx@xxx.com

 

Await your prompt response.

Yours in Service,

BARRISTER MARCUS ANDREEN ESQ.

Email: - xxxxxx@xxx.com

 

 

 

FRANЗAISE DES JEUX LOTERIE NATIONALE

(LOTO EUROMILLONS) JEUX

SAFIG - FDJEUX SERVICE CLIENTELE BP 18147

7018 MELUN CEDEX, FRANCE

DEPARTEMENT INTERNATIONAL DE RECOMPENSE DE PROMOTIONS/PRIX.

www.fdjeux.com

 

REFERENCE NUMBER: EUMIL/9925 1340068/04

BATCH NUMBER: WW/5617/IFR

 

March 9th, 2010

Keep up with change: Be resilient

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Imin Bizpain

Look quick! Everything’s changing, and the pace is faster than ever. To survive and thrive, the skill you need to master is resilience. Susan Dunn, a clinical psychologist, has observed that people who can bounce back after failure and confront new obstacles without losing their nerve generally do these essential things:

 

Learn from experience.

Resilient people reflect on what happens to them—good and bad—so they can move forward without illusion.

 

Accept setbacks and losses.

You’ve got to face the reality of what happens in order to get past it.

 

Recognize emotions.

Resilient people don’t hide from their feelings. They identify what they’re feeling and express their emotions appropriately.

 

Keep time in perspective.

Past, present, and future are separate. Don’t mix them up (by letting what’s in the past determine your choices in the here and now, for example).

 

Think creatively and flexibly.

Look for new ways to solve problems and face challenges.

 

Take care of yourself.

Resilience is based on good physical and mental health. Get enough rest, eat sensibly, and spend time with people who support you.

 

Ask for help.

Resilient people don’t try to do everything themselves. Accept that you’ll need to ask others for assistance, and learn how to do so graciously and effectively.

 

March 8th, 2010

Now Hiring: Data Thief

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Pressley Carson

According to a recent report in USA Today, all it takes is about $300.00, some basic computer skills and the stomach to commit crime and you can amass a bunch of data that you could probably sell to other criminals, make your initial investment back and lots more – all from your home.

 

Can you see the flyer stapled to an intersection sign: “Make Money at Home in Your Spare Time – Steal Data From Your Friends, Family and Neighbors.”

 

Older versions of the powerful and simple-to-use ZeuS hacking tool are available for free on criminal forums.  ZeuS is best known as the widely popular Trojan.  Current versions of ZeuS sell for up to $10,000, and are used by elite cyber gangs to wire funds from of the online banking accounts of small- and medium-sized businesses.

 

But older, free versions of ZeuS work just fine for turning an infected PC into a bot and harvesting all the PC’s account logons that are stored in Web browser cookies.  For about $25.00 you can hire a spamming specialist to send out email lures to at least 250,000 people enticing them to click on a corrupted Web link that will infect their PCs with your free copy of ZeuS.

 

Spend a little more, and you can customize your viral spam to spread via Facebook messages and Twitter. The only other thing you need to do is spend about $300.00 to rent an Internet-connected server to collect and store the stolen account logons.

 

It’s sort of the new pick-pocket, or shop-lifter.  Especially in tough times, people are looking for ways to make some money.  And, if there is little startup cost, and you are desperate, this may be the new thing.

 

Think of it this way, you can go to a mall during the day and walk into stores wearing your old clothes, leave in new clothes, eat food in aisles of other stores and then go home and hack into data opportunities and leave others penniless.

 

March 5th, 2010

Smokers should be burned at the stake!

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Letter To W2

My boss is a smoker and stinks everything up.  He eats hundreds of breath mints and may even rub them on his clothes, but it doesn’t work and when we have to meet with him, or worse, ride an elevator with him, you just want to throw up.  Ideas?

 

How gross!  Sorry you have to go through this but I’m not sure I can be of much help….but I’ll try!

 

Since it’s the boss, I suggest no one address this with him/her personally.  My suggestion is to send him/her a discreet anonymous typed letter outlining how their smoking is affecting staff.  Try to make it friendly and as if you care about him/her, don’t be attacking.  Once you’ve drafted the letter, then give it to a friend who does not work in your company.  Have them re-write the letter in their terms, using their style of writing.

 

 When its complete ‘DO NOT READ IT’, just put it in the U.S. Mail and send it.  Never, never let anyone know that you did this……for you must remember this is a personal issue related to the boss!

 

Good luck and if he/she is any type of a good leader, they do something about it!!

 

Pressley Carson

 

March 4th, 2010

Co-Workers die

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Mad James

“They’re going to pull the plug tonight or tomorrow.”

 

Death is easier on the dying than on the survivors.  To suggest that one can unplug a life, like a coffee machine, is something you hear more often before a death than after. 

 

In the workplace, co-workers rarely seem to die while actually co-workers. More often, co-workers die after they leave the job, retire, etc.  This is different.

 

I’m in a lot of pain right now not because of work, but because a co-worker is dying.  She’s in an induced coma.  She collapsed to three aneurisms during a meeting at work.  It was like most meetings; Stupid.  And, I’m angry that her last moments of life may have been listening to some of the idiots we employ.

 

She is a true spirit of love and positive energy.  Was.  And, her family is gathering to spend the final hours with her.  And she is unconscious.

 

Sometimes companies “pull the plug” on an operating area, or a product, or a section of employees and that’s sad too, but not like this.  This is way different. This is a person, though, unconscious; her husband next to her, her extended family a few feet away.

 

She’s in a surgical garb on her back.  Under sheets with little cover because she really can’t feel anything so she isn’t cold; yet.  Her brain has inflated and all efforts to relieve this have failed.  She didn’t fall or get bit by an insect.  She did party when she partied, but not to excess because she had to drive her husband home.  

 

She spent years supporting others with this amazing smile and funny little jig of a walk.  Her gravelly voice offered hope to everyone who heard it.  Her laugh could care farm animals into running, but could warm the chill off any challenge.

 

“They’re going to pull the plug tonight or tomorrow.”

 

March 3rd, 2010

Bad Hire # 11

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Ed

Hello.  May I Help you!

 

March 2nd, 2010

Security warnings and safety tips for 2010

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C. Dangir

It’s a little late to think about security for the year as predictions and advice were pouring in months ago. But, now is a good time to rethink it all because we’ve seen enough this year to make sure we keep this on our radar – all the time.

 

You can always read what the experts say like this one; Solutionary, an information-security company, offers the following:

 

·         Social networking services such as Facebook and Twitter will suffer the first significant breach that will drive away some users for the first time.  It’s bound to happen and we’ll all ooh and aww about it – so unfriend through tweets and see what happens.

 

·         Healthcare reform and the emergence of new and innovative applications, such as electronic medical records, will increase the need for new healthcare security procedures to better protect patient records and privacy.  Social Security numbers will become the new currency for cybergangs.

 

·         The National Breach Disclosure Law will begin to help protect consumers and business users. After languishing on Capitol Hill for four years, the Senate Judiciary Committee recently approved two bills that address data security and breach notification. The legislation was drafted in response to the plague of data thefts that have occurred over the last few years. Everything languishes on Capitol Hill anyway, so this is just the way things go.

 

·         Cyber warfare will be seen like any other warfare for the first time in history, largely because of the convergence of physical and information security.  

 

·         Cloud computing will continue to complicate business security, especially as it integrates more and more with programs and applications employees use daily. It will become more difficult to control what employees are downloading on business PCs.

 

Or, you can do what really works.  Here’s some advice to go with the expert warnings.

 

·         Go back to paper.  Use blue ink and don’t sign anything.

·         Put a high volume shredder in every room – even the bathroom.

·         Hide under your desk often during the day.  Keep a supply of paper and pens under there, and snacks.

·         Don’t open emails.  Just stare at the subject lines and make assumptions; then delete.

·         If you do open an email, don’t open an attachment unless you’re 100% certain about the person who is sending it to you – do they open attachments before sending, or just send it along.  In other words, are you wearing protection when you open an attachment. 

·         Don’t use your ATM card.  Shred it in any of your rooms.

·         Don’t buy anything on line.  Don’t even go on line.

·         Don’t link in.  Just don’t do it.  Just delete.

·         Don’t tweet, RSSfeed, digg, or anything else.

·         Don’t accept invitations to be a friend.  Is you need to be invited, then you aren’t.

·         Don’t endorse anyone.  Who are you anyway?  Just an IP address with a load time.  Ugh.

·         Don’t bank on line. 

·         Don’t handle your bills on line.

·         Don’t give out your email address to anyone.  You won’t have to; someone else already has.

 

Do you have any advice to offer?  Just email it to us without an attachment and after we pull it out of the ocean of spam, we’ll add it to our mid-year update.

 

March 1st, 2010

Employees who kill other employees should be fired!

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The Worried Worker (W2)

Whether the killed employee is well liked or not, killing an employee is just wrong.  In most states, it’s actually illegal. 

 

You may say at some point during the day, “I’m going to kill that guy,” or, in contrast, “That guy is killing me.”  But, actually doing it is the problem.  We all do this.  We also say, “my head is killing me” or “my stomach is killing me,” but there is little truth to that.

 

But, somehow, a whale can kill a fellow employee, get a brief reprimand, and then go back to work.  It’s amazing.  We’re not talking about an overweight person, we’re talking about the Killer Whale in Florida who killed a co-worker the other day.

 

News reports suggested that the Whale didn’t know he was killing, that he was just curious.  Wow.  Try using that defense in court and see what happens.

 

“You’re accused of stealing, cheating, running away, killing and cussing – how do you plead?”  asks the judge.

 

“I’m sorry your honor, I was just curious.”

 

“Oh, ok, go back to work.”  Responds the judge.  Everyone in court gets up and leaves, people buy tickets to your show and hush when you do your routine – “Is that the one who killed the girl?”  “Yes.”

 

But, we forget the girl.

 

A girl died.  Was beaten and drowned.

 

By a fish.

 

And, the fish got a raise, and a book deal.

 

February 26th, 2010

A Quiet Night Out – not really

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Imin Bizpain

I was out at a restaurant with friends the other night in a resort area and watched, with discomfort, a happy couple trying to enjoy what appeared to be a celebratory evening together – could have been an important wedding anniversary, a night out without the kids – but it was a celebration.

 

And, I could see the couple absolutely enjoying each other’s company.  They were dressed up and elegant, and very obviously in love.  All of us at our table watched a bit and talked quietly about how great it would be for all of us to have a great and lasting relationship – we’re single and divorced and tired of being “hit on” by men who are only out for the hit.

 

Around the time the couple’s meals arrived, a group of about a dozen men came into the restaurant like a hurricane.  It was clear they were on a business trip; all middle aged and trying to be hip in their un-tucked long sleeved shirts or Ed Hardy T-Shirts.  Only a couple of them wore wedding bands. 

 

The restaurant staff looked worried and sat the group as far away as possible from the rest of the diners. 

 

Then they ordered drinks, and more drinks and they got louder and started recounting exploits on the golf course and in bars that sounded like they offered more than drinks.  My friends and I were uncomfortable and didn’t want to walk by them to go to the restroom.

 

The happy couple?  Their expressions turned grim and it was sad.  They ate most of the meal in quiet horror, trying not to look in the direction of the table, asked for their check, did not order desert, did not finish their bottle of wine, got up and left.

 

When they passed us, we all shared our expressions – it wasn’t anger, just sadness and slight fear.

 

The restaurant did nothing to quiet the group down as it got worse with forced laughter at immature volumes.  The men at that table with wedding bands on were off on one end and looked like the couple that just left.

 

We didn’t finish our food or wine, didn’t order desert, paid the bill and left.

 

What a stupid restaurant – we won’t remember anything good about it.